Updated: Aug 23
Do you ever wonder if the mom guilt, the parent guilt will ever end? Will we ever have a peaceful, non-worrying moment? Actually, when I catch myself not worrying about something regarding my kids, the anxiety then quadruples. I worry that because I was not worrying, something terrible may have happened. Panic sets in as I try to squelch the need to contact them. Is this insanity?
In addition to the worry, guilt creeps in. When can you have permission to live your life, to be joyful without the main focus being your children? I have to remind myself that they are grown. They are living their lives. Lives that I am not a part of - that do not include me. Am I permitted to be happy in a new home without them? Will the new house be a home without them in it?
So, my mind jumps - it runs back and forth from happiness and excitement to sadness and concern. We recently visited our new homesite; walked the sandy ground that will soon have our home. This was surreal. We met with designers and chose different elements of the house - the flooring, cabinets and down to the towel bars. Happiness is doing this together. Building our future and designing our lives in a location that we never thought would be possible.
Our return to cold temperatures and threats of snow brings thoughts of what and who we are leaving. Actually, they left us - as they should but I always thought we would be here - in this home - if we were needed. Fortunately, we are a text or call away. Even if we remained here, our closest child is 45 minutes away - our farthest is 6 hours. Their presence is here - their things they left, the pictures and memoribilia I kept. This gives warm, loving memories but also empty, lost ones.
My therapist often will say to me when I mention these issues - "where is your proof". You have this anxiety and worry of where they are, what are they doing, are they safe, are the happy. Your mind travels to thoughts of disaster. But, where is your proof? They have not responded to your text in 15 minutes. Do not create a scary story in your head that you have no proof is true or accurate. It's a practice - there are good moments and bad. How will this change once we move? No change - it will not matter if I am in the same state or not. Only I can control the stress I put myself through. Keep on practicing!